6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
