I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
