It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
