You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
