sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
