I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
