Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
