She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
