My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize