It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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