Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
