Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
