He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
