quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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