I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My balls are so social today.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
