so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
