Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I am one with the molecules
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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