I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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