worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
