I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
