I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
