She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
