Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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