i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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