I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize