Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
