You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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