Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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