he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
