do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
