I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
