I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize