better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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