I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
