Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
