there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
