You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
