just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
