What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
