I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
