oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
