oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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