Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Edward fifth and chaser hands
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
