Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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