Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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