Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I would fuck him just for his dog
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
