Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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