I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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