i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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