I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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