Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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