Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
