"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
im holly from the hills drunk
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
