She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
