the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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