I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
