The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My ATM looks so different sober.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
