its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
