You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
