i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize