Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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