Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
