What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
