I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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