you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
