i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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