There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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