I must be too annoying 4 u.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
