so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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