I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
